new page!

my new blog page is www.ellejay.com !! thanks nerdface! ;D

well then..

i really dont have much to say at the moment, but i thought id touch base. ive lost 21 lbs so far.. so the diet is going well. even with going to a wedding and eating some of the most wonderful food ive ever had, including the worlds best cupcakes.. i still lost weight. so im quite pleased with that whole thing. the diet food isnt the greatest, but its not the worst either. besides, im losing weight. i honestly cant complain. my clothes are getting smaller, im getting smaller and it feels great!

the wedding i went to was a blast and like i said the food was amazing, the bride was amazing.. fuck, the whole thing was just gorgeous. definitely the kind of wedding i had dreams about as a little girl. however, now that im older.. id rather keep it simple. in fact the more simple, the better. im thinking like me, my fiance, the person marrying us and maybe a couple friends for witnesses.. but honestly, who knows if thatll ever happen. im not holding my breath, thats for sure.

even with the whole diet thing going for me.. i still know that at the end of it all.. i still wont look the way i want. my body will never be that perfect body, even if i get down to 100, which i wont cause i think thats too much.. but still. i know i should be happy with the way its working in my favor as is.. but i cant help just thinking what it would be like to be that girl with the perfect body. the one all the boys want and all the girls wanna be like. instead ill be half my size with a body that.. well lets face it, ive been in a chair since i was about seven.. im coming up on almost 20 years of dealing with it.. so you can imagine the shape im in.. literally, its like an “S” shape in a sense..  my legs dont go completely straight, my spine curves thanks to good ol’ scoliosis, my feet curve in from years of sitting on my leg even tho i shouldnt have, but i did cause it made my back feel better.. blah

regardless, i am very happy about the weight loss and the continuing with it.. i just hope that my confidence picks up somewhere along the way.. i know its there… its just a matter of breaking it out of its shell..

but I can’t help but look forward to where it’s going.

im down 20lbs and i feel great. just another 79lbs to go.. 69lbs until i book tickets!! i lost my motivation for a minute, just for a minute tho. i was re-motivated after a phone call a few days ago, i was told things i already knew.. but sometimes hearing it from the person is all it takes.

i also got back the motivation i lost for doing the geek police website. its not so much that i lost motivation tho.. im not sure what happened to be honest. however, i was at a wedding yesterday and of course was asked what im up to followed by ‘are you in school?’ ..i hate saying i dropped out of college, but i did. it wasnt my thing. i tried it too many times and each and every time i quit. i did tell them that im working on a webpage with my best friend, but we havent really gotten it up and running like we would like.. i wanna be able to tell people that i help run a successful internet website. to do that i need to refocus and put as much effort into that as i can. so starting tomorrow.. im going to be up by 10am at the latest and im going to work on the site for as long as i can… that includes blogging as well. :)

we will take over the world.. slowly, but surely. ;)

summer ends..

its muggy out, overcast. im expecting it to start raining, to be honest. theres a constant sound of cars and trucks passing by only to be broken up by an inevitable car horn because someone blew the stop sign again, like a cheap $2 hooker. occasionally, you get to hear the high pitched engine of some crotch rocket or an annoyingly loud harley both just as obnoxious as the next. just as the traffic dies down and you think with a sigh of content “finally”.. THEN AN AIRPLANE FLIES OVERHEAD AND RUINS WHAT YOU THOUGHT WOULD BE A MOMENT OF SILENCE and what almost always follows that without fail is the low rumble of the train in the distance and its horn. the trains horn and the cars meld into each other and its back to the cars passing.. on repeat like your favorite song. its the soundtrack to my summer.

im sitting here listening to the sounds outside my open windows while on voice with him in second life, neither one of us saying much. just the clicking of his keyboard is all i hear and our short conversations every so often. the keyboard noises are quite lulling tho, lol. hes horrible at multitasking. its ok, its normal. i know how it goes. we’re supposed to be working on websites and getting on the case with blogs for our respective sites, we’re not. if we are, its just here and there, not like we should be doing. it happens tho. he gets sidetracked with facebook and i get sidetracked with everything except what i should be working on. ;p

although, if you think about it.. technically i am working on myself and thats what i should ultimately be doing. i mean, i did start this blog to help myself find me.. and i feel like tho i have shared stuff in prior posts, i didnt feel like i was really just letting myself say some of the things that were on my mind or possibly that i was just grazing the top about how i really felt about any given situation. so, ive decided from now on im not holding back, regardless of who does or doesnt read my blog posts. i need to be honest with myself before i can really change the way i feel about me for good.

i think this all came about because at the moment im feeling kind of down. not depressed, but i know this road. its the long way round to that area of town and i dont wanna go there. i feel like im friendless. let me take that back because thats not entirely true. i have one person and i know hes there for me, but i also know he has his own stuff going on. im feeling like i have no one around here on this side of the pond that i can really call a friend. i try to call and make plans, but no luck. im never included in much. when i am and i can go, the person who is supposed to be one of my best friends bails on me and changes her mind about going. in turn, that makes me lose my ride and its too late at night for my ma to drive me. so, then im stuck at home. again.

it gets to me. i feel like a fucking outcast and it hurts. i really try to hide how im feeling sometimes because im just so sick of them. i think maybe, if i pretend long enough that its all ok.. then maybe it will be. but its not. im fat cause when i was younger i felt the same way, but food was always there even if friends werent. so, i ate. i started this nutrisystem diet because i dont wanna be that person anymore. ive been doing really well on it and im continuing too, but i did hit a snag. i did gain a couple pounds cause i had some cheats. yes, i know i shouldnt of, hush. ive already lost it again, so its fine. the reason i believe those days occurred is because of this low mood im in. no more tho! i refuse to fall back into old habits.

..i feel like im rambling at the moment. so im going, but i know where im picking up from later tonight.

seriously..

i just got the best motivation ever from him. im not going to say what it was, but its something ive been wanting to do.. well its something i do, but ive wanted to do it with him and he was like fuck it when you come here we will.. SOOOOoOOOoo that means.. my motivation has literally just shot thru the roof! dont get me wrong, i was excited anyway to go to england, but it has just gotten better. plus! he was saying something about going to london, too! so click on the geek police link on the side and start buying shit, so we have london money, lol.

ill write more later.. i was just excited about that ;p

somebody had a case of the mondays..

..but it wasnt me! today was gorgeous. i didnt go to bed until 8am or 9am and then got up at 11:30, roughly. today was flu shot day. oh, this morning i weighed myself and last week i put on three pounds, but i lost it all. im back on track now. no more going off course! fifteen pounds is the official loss so far. i went back and looked at calculations for before and got it all sorted. also, im using my ubernerd phones notes app to its fullest extent now.. i put all sorts of shit into that today and have one just keeping track of weights and total loss stuff. its fucking amazing. seriously.

anywaysies. yea, i said it. lol, he knows whats up. so, i wrote a check for $3.99. after making a couple stops we headed off to get shots. we were waiting for the guy to quit dragging ass and do the damn thing already.. and there was a whole thing of body washes in front of me. i was bored and to be honest, i was pretty fuckin high. so i started smelling all the ones i could reach and i found one that was AMAZING, lol. its called coconut scrub. and it smells delicious. i never have cash on me.. so i had to write a check lol.. i think thats the smallest amount ive ever had to write a check out for. im definitely getting an ATM card.

came home from all that and hopped online. he got off work early so we hung out all night watching entourage. i dont even know how many we watched, but it was a lot and they were all fucking great. its about time we did it too. we had originally downloaded them ages ago. i know for me they are still sitting on my desktop, lol. regardless, i love this show and im excited to watch more of it and for the season premiere of its always sunny in philadelphia, thats on september 17th. yay! and even better, californication is comin back soon, too!!! ;D

my new thing to help me along in reaching my goal is exercising while i watch these shows. that way, im being productive and still getting to watch my shows. no guilt! lol. anyway, im off to bed. i have to be up at 7am. going to the doctors, bleh. peace out, homies ;p

positive mental attitude, bitches.

so sleeeeepy

i dont know what my deal is lately, but as soon as night hits.. all i wanna do is pass the fuck out. i didnt really do anything of interest today. however, i did start watching the lord of the rings this morning at 7am.. and they showed all 3 of them.. so i basically watched it from 7am to 7pm. all the while harassing people in secondlife with a couple of friends. a very unproductive day, but still entertaining. hopefully he will get his froot loops tomorrow and then he can take a picture of himself eating the worlds most expensive bowl of cereal. yea, were dorks like that. you only wish you could be as cool as us. i need sleep. more to come tomorrow, yay! ;p

playing catch up again

ok, so in dealing with the family bullshit, i neglected to post any new blogs. plus, i had the house to myself, well myself and my friend that stayed with me.. so we were occupied with other things and i really didnt even log on. and the past few nights ive passed out so early, posting a blog wasnt even in the cards. not too much has been going on anyway.

i dont know whats going on with my brother and that whole situation. last i heard he was going back overseas. i dont think he should, i honestly think my ma should call whoever his boss is and just be like ‘hey, hes unstable and shouldnt be going back’.. but im sure that would just cause a huge outburst from him. im even tempted to do it myself. i just have a horrible feeling if he does go back over that we wont see him again. i have a huge fear that whatever hes on will just get worse and he may reach a point of no return and he will be no where near home. i really hope im wrong about that, but who really knows.

aside from family issues, him and i are still working on our site/blog. its a pain in the ass trying to find a drop shipper, but i am determined to find one.. or hopefully he will be able to. eitherway, itll get done. we both need it to work. hes needs an out to drop his current job and i just need a job lol.. so it would be great if we could seriously get this business on its feet. itll happen, i have faith.. just wish it would happen sooner, lol.

im about to pass out and i need to be up in a few for a wake up call.. tomorrow will be a better post, promise.

family..

i have a lot of family issues going down. there are some things going on with my brother right now. i dont know how i feel about the whole thing.. my mind is all over the place, tbh. its a lot to deal with tho. it saddens me to be honest to kno whes gotten to this point. i know he hasnt really been there for me and we have never really gotten along.. but at the end of the day hes still family, hes still my big brother. hes never been the type to really do anything like this.. he was the kid that would come home for a visit and buy beer just cause he could and we would end up with an unopened case in the fridge when he left.

yea, he has had his extreme moments.. hes covered in tattoos, he has had more cars since he turn sixteen than i can count on two hands, he makes elaborate plans to do things that he never follows thru with.. but now.. to be caught up in pills and who knows what else. it scares me. addiction does run in my family. my dad drank for years. my parents marriage was on the rocks for a long time because of it and they almost ended up divorced. he straightened up tho and has been sober for twenty years now.. maybe more. i just hope my brother is strong enough to break the cycle he created for himself. and i hope to god or whatever is out there that it isnt anything more than pills.

i also dont want to see my ma hurting. i know shes more upset than shes showing. and even tho we have been arguing a little bit here and there.. regardless of whats going on with her and i, even if its something major. i never wanna see someone in my family, especially my ma, hurting like she is.

im off for now to go try and relax with my thoughts… but tomorrows another day!

i loathe the mall and even more so the at&t shop

first, before i rant about the mall.. id like to say i dont remember writing my last post, lol. i was extremely tired when i wrote it and even told him when i called to wake him up a few minutes ago that i hadnt posted before i went to bed, but apparently i did. its 3:45 in the morning now and instead of going back to sleep, here i am. so on with the rant..

i fucking hate the mall with a passion. the only thing thats changed in all the years that mall has been open is a new floor plan. not even that tho, just tacking more shops on and filling voids of places that have left a long time ago. it seems the more shops they put in the more douche bags there are, especially since the addition of pac sun, a&f and other shops that i honestly cant remember the names of. you know the type that shops there tho, the fake ‘n bake, spiky hair, big chain wearing, dc hat tipped to the side, never leaves home with out his sunglasses douche bag.. and of course they have their little princess of a girlfriend in tow.. along with her fake ‘n bake tan and a purse so big she could probably fit into it herself.and god forbid you pass them and they have to move over to let you thru.. even tho the way they are walking takes up the whole aisle all the way across. the looks are just priceless.. its the whole “you have to be kidding me look”.. like ive asked them to do something so fucking difficult.

anyway! so the reason i was at the mall was cause my ma wanted to get a family plan for all our phones. we stood in line for 2 hours, plus some. there was only two people working behind the counter and about seven people in line. that isnt including the two people who were already being taken care of. one of which was definitely speaking polish and the guy behind the counter and her were very animated thru out their conversation. the other person was finally done and we moved up a spot and stood there for an ungodly amount of time. in the first hour we were there two customers were taken care of by one guy while the other still yammered away. then the lady infront of us goes.. twenty more minutes and we havent moved and the other guy is STILL with the same lady. every time i thought “oh hes almost done now cause hes printing the paper work”.. he would print more!

so after an hour and a half it was our turn. the guy that only had the only client was going to be helping us. he was asking the manager for a break when we took out spot at the counter. thankfully the manager said no. im pretty sure my ma would have caused a scene at that point. so after forty-five more minutes of us being there while we switch the plans and make all the necessary adjustments.. im thinking its time to go. i was wrong. now the guy wants to show my ma every point of the phone. i could do this at home. she could read the manual. he doesnt need to go over the fine details of where the settings key is or how to check contacts.. but he does anyway and my ma lets him.

i was so annoyed at this point all i wanted to do was leave. in the process of this guy helping my ma a guy got in line behind us. a good looking guy, i might add. we made eye contact and he made a comment about the borat sticker on the back of my chair. i was bored and feeling a bit confident, so i struck up a conversation with him. i mean, he started with the sticker, but i continued it. its not something i do.. ever. but he had a gorgeous smile and beautiful blue eyes.. so ir gave me  a reason to at least keep looking at him, lol. we chatted for about fifteen minutes and he kept smiling every time we made eye contact.. i have to admit, it felt good. if i was more confident i might have asked for a phone number.. baby steps tho, lol.

after the at&t shop we went over to torrid to look at a dress i wanted to get for a wedding im going to in october. they didnt have it anymore, so im kinda bummed. target followed that cause my ma wanted to get some groceries there since she had coupons. i took the opportunity to pick up a family size box of froot loops for him that ill be sending out on thursday. seriously, this box is HUGE. i sent him a picture of the two sizes while i was there and.. lets just say his response made me giggle. hes definitely a funny one.. amongst other things. ;p im sad that the prize on the side of the box isnt in the box tho, you have to mail it in. itd be right up his alley, geeky and useful.. a star trek flash drive. the offter is good until like.. june of 2010 tho, so maybe if i get seven more boxes out to him he can send in the tokens to get it, lmao.

alright, im off to bed yet again.. no idea what im doing when i wake up aside from IMing him.. the rest of the day is a play it by ear kind of day. tho, im sure ill be working on something for the website or blog and maybe crocheting, who knows?! ;D